Category Archives: Humor

father humor, funny things about my children or about being a dad, mom, and parent

Febreze to Go for the Superhero on the Go

Just want to let you guys know I will never sell out. For instance, I wouldn’t plug a product on my blog just because someone sent me a $5 Febreze mug. Don’t expect me to mention that Febreze To Go penetrates fabrics to eliminate odors on virtually all fabrics. Obviously, I would also never use my kids to pimp a product. Never. Ever. I’m above all that.

Febreze To Go for Captain America

15 Weird Things About Me

Kooky Kay tagged me for the 15 Weird Things About Me meme. She tagged me last July. I’m a bit behind. Actually, I’m three memes behind. Sorry for the delay, taggers, but I’ll get to your meme soon. OK, here are 15 weird things about me that I don’t think I have mentioned before:

(1) I’ve been to a Go-Go concert.

(2) I grope my wife inappropriately
(3) …all the time
(4) …even in public.

(5) I learned to grope from my son
(6) …he likes to stick his hand underneath my shirt and play with my chest.

(7) I named my wife’s breasts
(8) …I call the left breast “Har Gau”
(9) …the right one is “Shu Mai”

(10) When I’m sick in bed, I pretend I’m in a Jedi healing trance.

(11) Some guys are babe magnets, I happen to be a bug magnet. Killer bees, blood sucking mosquitoes, and various man-eating bugs are attracted to me.

(12) I’ve only purchased five pairs of shoes in the past ten years
(13) …I still wear all of them, but not all at the same time.

(14) I walked into the window display at a mall once
(15) …the impact was very loud and everyone was staring at me.

I’m suppose to tag five people now, but I’m not going to because I always seem to tag people who either have been tagged or don’t want to be tagged. If you want to play along, let me know in the comments area and I’ll stop by your blog to read about your 15 weird things.

BTW, I have moved my sites over to the new server. I think I got most of the problems worked out, but if you find a broken image or see something strange, feel free to let me know via the contact form.

Spiderman 3

Spiderman 3 comes out today, but it will be another six months before I see it on DVD. I rarely see movies at theaters anymore. When I do go, it’s usually a kids movie. It’s hard for me to enjoy grown-up movies at the theater because I feel guilty about leaving my wife at home with three little monsters. OK, it’s really because I’m afraid I’ll enjoy the experience too much. A night out with no kids. Grown-up conversations. No kids arguing. No whining. No Diaper Genie. I would never return home.

From the movie trailers, it looks like a variation of Venom will be in the movie. If I was going to be a villain, that’s who I would want to be: Venom. Look at him. He’s one scary dude. Even his tongue creeps me out. Give him Viagra and Venom could club someone with that tongue. What a wonderful role model for my son.

Venom

Now check out another of Spiderboy’s toy. It’s the Green Goblin. I know, he doesn’t look like the Green Goblin from the movies. He’s the Green Goblin from the comic books. Look at him. He’s wearing elf shoes and hat, ballet clothes, and a man purse. A MAN PURSE. Are we really suppose to be afraid of him? Lookout, there’s a mutant ballerina with a man purse! Run for your lives! Give him a tutu and his costume would be complete.

Green Goblin

Melt Your Car for Free

As some of you know, I took my wife to McDonald’s for our anniversary dinner last year. I know, I know, I’m so romantic. As great as our anniversary was, I think Valentine’s Day was even better. I treated my wife to dinner at Chili’s…actually we had takeout from Chili’s. Again, how romantic. Everyone was sick and takeout was the best I could do.

Wait, there’s more. My wife ordered dinner and I went to pick it up at Chili’s. I waited five minutes for someone to help me because no one was at the to-go counter. Then I had to wait another 15-20 minutes because they messed up our order. When I got home, my wife discovered they forgot the kids’ corn and my veggie burger was burnt. Mmmmmm. Yummy. I love burnt food.

Needless to say, we don’t plan on eating at Chili’s anymore. But as bad as dinner was, at least our car was not crushed and melted.

Chili's

May I Rest in Peace

La Mer lotion and cremeWhen my wife opened her Christmas present from me, the following words rang out, “Is that all?” However, these words were not uttered by Mommy Forever, but by Princess M. I felt the exact same way, but for a completely different reason. The little princess only saw three small items. I saw the same three items, but I also saw the price tag. You see, the La Mer lotion and creme I gave to my wife cost more than everyone’s gifts combined.

For what La Mer charged for their products, I expected a beefcake to personally deliver the gift to Mommy Forever. Then said beefcake would whisk my wife off to the mall for an all-expense paid shopping spree. Naturally, since I don’t want to lose my wife to said beefcake, I would want to select the beefcake myself. Someone with a really big potbelly, no hair, no front teeth, three eyes, and no personality.

Mommy Forever with cool sunglassesI don’t get it. Why are beauty products so expensive? Personally, I don’t think my wife needs fancy creme and lotion. She’s already pretty (and it’s not because of the fancy creme and lotion). And even if Mommy Forever isn’t pretty, so what? Inner beauty is more important, right? So, why would I give my wife fancy creme and lotion? Because that’s what she wanted. I know this because Mommy Forever wrote it on a piece of paper. She wasn’t leaving anything to chance.

Now, more importantly, why am I blogging about this? The answer is simple; I’m going to be in big trouble when Mommy Forever finds out that my last post was mentioned in Blogging Baby. You know, the one where I mentioned my wife had a sex change operation when she didn’t actually have one.

This is the type of humor that drives my wife crazy. I’ll say things and people have no idea I’m just kidding. For instance, when we were dating, the future Mommy Forever asked me how did I get so smart (I fooled her with my engineering books in my bookcase). I told her I had 200 brains. She looked at me to see if I was kidding. I maintained my serious Mr. Spock face. Then the future Mommy Forever studied my head and asked, “How do they all fit in there?” “They’re really small.” “Oh.” Sometimes, my wife even tells other people things I have said (like my 200 brains), only to discover that I was pulling her leg. That’s the evil brand of humor I was talking about in my last post…it gets me in trouble a lot.

Blogging Baby

Note to my wife: I’m sorry there’s a bunch of people who think you had a sex change operation. And I’m sorry you rank fourth for “sex change operation before Christmas” in Google. Just remember, you got a really nice Christmas present. If you let me live, there’s more where that came from.

Note to my regular readers: If you don’t hear from me for a week, you should call the police. Tell them to search the backyard and crawlspace. It was nice knowing you. Goodbye.

Satan Claus

Dear Satan Claus,

That’s right, I’m writing to you this year. Writing to Santa is a waste of time because I have not been nice. Just last week I ate part of my wife’s candy bar. She came back into the room, looked at the candy bar, and asked me, “Did you eat some of my candy?” I gave her one of those have you been sniffing the Diaper Genie again? look and said, “No.” That’s right, I lied. Then I made her feel guilty by saying, “Even if I did, does it really matter? I bought you three candy bars.” See, I have not been nice.

As for being naughty, take a look at the card I gave my wife:

valentine card

Naturally, since I am very naughty, all the coupons looked like this:

valentine coupon

Now that I have established that I have not been nice and have been very naughty, here is what I want for Christmas: I would like my son to return from the Dark Side. Unlike me, I can still sense some good in him. I know you don’t normally do good things, but since I have not been nice and have been very naughty this year, I thought you might make an exception. These are some of the things I would like changed:

1) My son is not allowed to call mommy, “Dickhead.” I know he doesn’t know what he is saying…just repeating what Kitty called Juggernaut in X-Men 3. And to be honest, Juggernaut does look like one with his helmet on, but enough is enough. My son is no longer allowed to watch X-Men 3 and the rest is up to you. My wife We don’t find this the least bit funny.

2) Telling mommy she has a big butt also has to stop. I know, to a little kid, all adults have a big butt. But for some reason, my wife just doesn’t like anyone referring to her butt as big.

3) No more locking mommy out. Whenever my wife steps out to check the mail, Spiderboy locks the door on her. Now that it’s winter and he’s also locking me out, this has to stop.

4) When things don’t go my son’s way, he likes to tell mommy she is bad and tells her to get out of the house. This has to stop. I can’t afford to hire a baby sitter or housekeeper if my son kicks my wife out.

5) About the waking up at 5am thing. That’s no good. A lot of nights, I goof off work until 1am or later. Waking up at 5am just doesn’t work for me. I need my beauty sleep…and you know I need it. Please make my son sleep until 7am noon 5pm.

This list goes on and on. You know what I want changed. If you don’t do these things, I will have no choice but to be nice next year and take my business to Santa Claus.

Not Sincerely,
Daddy Forever

How to Turn a Bra into a Diaper Bag

grocery bag bra

Look what I saw on the news yesterday. That’s right, a bra that can be converted into a grocery bag. Am I missing something here? A woman is suppose to buy groceries, take off her bra, and then put her groceries in the bra bag?

Another question, can you still use the express checkout line? The bag is small for a grocery bag so you can’t buy much. But if all the other customers have to wait for you to take off your bra, then the line is no longer an express line, is it? Not to mention the slow down caused by all the men gawking, except for me of course — I’m a married man!

I can’t wait until they roll out the underpants version for men…wait, putting your fruits and your produce in your underwear is probably not a good idea.

What does this have to with parenting? Nothing other than the bra can be used as a diaper bag too. I wonder if I have any clothes that will match a flaming red diaper bag.

The Art of Farting

The Gas We Pass: The Story of FartsIf you have ever read the book, The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts, then you know farting is a fact of life. It’s something that our bodies has to do. We shouldn’t be embarrassed by it, but we do get embarrassed — especially if people are nearby. But you don’t need to be embarrassed anymore. The following is a guide on how to fart in public.

Blame Your Kid
I normally hate taking my kids to restaurants, but when you have to let out a stinky one, there’s nothing better than having a kid close by to blame. This technique works best with young kids – the younger the better. Warning: do NOT attempt this with teenagers. They may act stupid, but they are not stupid. As far as they are concern, it’s payback time for all those times you embarrassed them.

Spread the Fart Love
If kids are not an option, then walk around to spread your fart around. It’s best if you keep moving so people can’t trace it to you.

Fart Buddy
Another technique is to use a fart buddy. Arrange a special code word with your buddy. When you need to fart, utter the code word to your fart buddy. The code word is his cue to divert attention from you so you can fart and run.

Fartmail
If you are at a restaurant and you fart bombed the waitress, quickly utter these two words, “big tip.” This is also known as fartmail. Failure to offer fartmail will result in your food being fart bombed in the kitchen. It won’t kill you, but do you really want to eat something that was just farted on?

Blame the Annoying Guy
There’s always an annoying guy around. He could be your boss or one of your in-laws. Sometimes when I need to fart, I sneak up behind the annoying guy and let out a really stinky one. Then I make a stinky face to the people around me and point at the annoying guy.

Audible
A whoopee cushion can come in handy if your silencer isn’t working and your body emits an audible. When that happens, just pull out a small whoopee cushion from your pocket and pretend you were just goofing around.

That wraps up the fart guide. Good luck and may you fart in peace.

Build-A-Baby Workshop

Build-A-Bear BuzzLike many families, we have a few Build-A-Bears in our house. My daughter has two and my son has one. As you can see in the photo, Spiderboy’s bear is dressed like Buzz (Build-A-Bear Workshop was out of Spiderman outfits). Spiderboy loved his bear for a whole two days. Then he pulled off the Buzz clothes and threw it all over the house. And because Spiderboy listens to me so well, I ended up picking up the Buzz clothes.

Build-A-Baby BuzzAs I was picking up the Buzz clothes, a question popped into my mind, “Can these bear clothes fit a baby?” Toddler K is no longer a baby, but I thought she might be able to fit in the bear’s clothes. And since Mommy Forever wasn’t home, I gave it a try (like my wife would let me do such a thing if she was around). As you can see in the photographs, the shirt and pants were too short but they did fit. I didn’t even try the hat. It was obvious to me it wouldn’t fit.

Toddler K is thirteen and a half months old, weights about 20 pounds, and is about 2′ 7″ tall. My guess is that the Buzz outfit would fit a newborn up to 3 months without looking like he’s wearing short pants and has a beer belly. My thinking is that if you have a few Build-A-Bear outfits around the house, they could be turned into Halloween costumes for babies. Obviously some Build-A-Bear outfits will work better than others and the smaller the baby, the better the fit.

No, there’s nothing wrong with me. This is just the way I am. That’s why I should never be left alone at home with the kids.

Build-A-Baby Buzz