Category Archives: Humor

father humor, funny things about my children or about being a dad, mom, and parent

Evian Roller Babies

Some of you have already seen this video, but this is something most dads and moms could watch over and over again. When you watch the video, you can’t help but smile. [Question: what’s with the roller skates? Don’t most cool babies use roller blades and Heelys skate shoes now?]

(YouTube: Evian Roller Babies Video)

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The Perfect Gag Gift for the Twilight Infected

I found this book at the library: Nightlight: A Parody by The Harvard Lampoon ($10.04). When I brought it home, my wife started jumping up and down because she thought I checked out a new Twilight book. And then I read the back cover to her:

Nightlight: A Parody by The Harvard LampoonAbout three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him – which I assumed was wildly out of his control – that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me. And thus Belle Goose falls in love with the mysterious and sparkly Edwart Mullen in the Harvard Lampoon’s hilarious send-up of Twilight. Pale and klutzy, Belle arrives in Switchblade, Oregon looking for adventure, or at least an undead classmate. She soon discovers Edwart, a super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in girls. After witnessing a number of strange events (Edwart leaves his tater tots untouched at lunch and then Edwart saves her from a flying snowball) Belle has a dramatic revelation: Edwart is a vampire. But how can she convince Edwart to bite her and transform her into his eternal bride, especially when he seems to find girls so repulsive? Complete with romance, danger, insufficient parental guardianship, creepy stalker-like behavior, and a vampire prom, Nightlight is the uproarious tale of a vampire-obsessed girl, looking for love in all the wrong places.

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Marvel Super Heroes Teleport to Disney Universe

Marvel Super Heroes

Did you hear? The Walt Disney Company bought Marvel for about $4 billion. Under the deal, Disney will acquire ownership of Marvel — including over 5,000 Marvel characters (Spiderman, Iron Man, X-Men, Hulk, Fantastic Four, Doctor Strange, Elektra, Avengers, Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Thor, Punisher, Blade, Black Panther, etc). And according to a secret document obtained by the ultimate dad blogger (that would me according to Google), Disney is planning to merge the Marvel and Disney universes together. The following are some of the changes that are in the works:

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Barack Obama, President of Beaver Nation

Congratulations America. You have just elected the brother-in-law of Oregon State’s basketball coach as your next president. The next four to eight years should be very interesting. Now that Barack Obama is president, here are some changes you can believe in:

  • Things will not change over night. Sometimes, things may even get worst before they get better. So don’t be surprise if Oregon State loses more basketball games this year than last year.

  • Expect another bailout. The OSU basketball program has not been the same since the legendary Ralph Miller retired almost two decades ago. In order to turn things around, Oregon State will need bailout money to upgrade their facilities and to buy the best recruits they can.

  • The United States of America will now be called Beaver Nation.

  • The eagle in the Great Seal of the United States will be replaced with a beaver. Hence forth, it will be called the Great Seal of Beaver Nation.

  • America will have new colors. Bye-bye red, white, and blue. Hello orange and black.

  • You can expect every Oregon State basketball game to be televised. Now you too can watch the Beavers lose.

  • The State of Union Beaver Nation address will be devoted entirely to Oregon State University.

On another note, there is a rumor about Sarah Palin becoming the next coach of the Oregon State’s women basketball team.

Woman Kills Husband Online

Maple StoryAnyone hear about the woman who killed her virtual husband? Apparently, in an online role playing game (Maple Story), her husband divorced her and she got upset. So she used the login information her virtual husband gave her, hacked the game, and killed off her online husband. The other person complained to the police and they arrested her. Then they jailed her in the city where the man lived, which is 620 miles from her home. The two individuals are not married to each other in real life and they don’t even know each other.

It’s just a game! You would think if someone killed someone virtually, then the police could just virtually arrest her. Plus it’s also partly his fault for giving the woman his login info. Who in their right mind gives out their login id and password to someone they never met?

Danger, Fart Coming

A little over a year ago, I mentioned on my blog that you shouldn’t fall asleep when the Little Princess is around. You’re just asking for it if you do. Spiderboy got a dose of it last time:

son with mustache and beard

This time, my wife is the butt of the Little Princess’ prank:

Danger, Fart Coming

Question: Is it possible to pass my sense of humor through my DNA? Or is the Little Princess just naturally gifted?

The Family That Pees Together, Stays Together

As a dad, one of my responsibilities is to teach my kids to share. I have tried many, many times. But sharing is a concept my kids don’t understand. I think they might be defective. I would probably have better luck explaining Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Instead of sharing, the kids prefer to continually annoy daddy by fighting over the same toy. Sometimes, they even fight over a piece of lint one of them found on the carpet. A PIECE OF LINT! They are obviously insane (from mommy’s DNA). But after thousands of attempts, my brain washing finally worked. The kids are still insane, but at least they’re sharing the toilet:

kids sharing toilet - daddy forever

photo op in the bathroom - daddy forever

Obama Brings Sexy Back

Barack Obama was in town last Friday. Like most places Obama has been at, his rally sold out quickly. On Craigslist, people were offering basketball tickets, cash, and their spouses for Obama tickets, which were actually free to the 12,000+ people who were lucky enough to get the tickets. You would think by all the excitement Obama was generating, he was bringing sexy back instead of talking about politics.

Barack Obama Bringing Sexy Back

It’s very rare for a presidential candidate to campaign in Oregon during the primaries. In fact, the last time it happened, George Washington was running for president. Candidates don’t like to campaign in Oregon for a couple reasons. First, our state is so small that we have only half a delegate to offer. The other reason is because we hold our primary very late in the year — usually the day after the presidential election in November. And we do that for a good reason. We Oregonians lack good judgement and we couldn’t live with ourselves if we screwed up the primaries for the rest of the country.

It’s true. Oregonians make bad decisions. Here are a few examples. First, there’s Tonya Harding, the Olympic ice skater. She thought she could win the gold medal by breaking Nancy Kerrigan’s leg. There’s also Monica Lewinsky. She isn’t a real Oregonian, but she did graduate from a college in the Portland area. She was obviously infected with our bad judgement disease when she gave President Clinton x-rated benefits.

Then there’s the Portland Trail Blazers, our professional basketball team. Most of you have heard of Michael Jordan, but how many of you have heard of Sam Bowie? Bowie was the player the Blazers selected instead Jordan. Jordan became a superstar while Bowie missed two seasons because he broke his leg. Bowie also missed two entire seasons in college for a similar injury. See, not bad luck. Just poor decision making by Oregonians.

Have I mentioned that Oregonians also voted for the loser in the last two presidential elections? We just can’t get anything right. Don’t trust us.

My Classy Readers

fish fartingHey, who left these four comments on my blog?

(1) boobs are in my butt and fart is in my boobs.

(2) boobs are in my butt.

(3) fffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttt

(4) fart on me.

I found those comments in my spam filter. I usually find them annoying, but I have to admit, I did laugh a little this time. Apparently, some of my readers are still in grade school.

In other news, the Little Monkey has been calling her older sister, Boo-Boo. I have no idea why. The Little Monkey makes these adorable faces when she say things like: “I want my daddy.” “Don’t call me little monkey.” “I’m not cute.” “I thought you were mad at me.”

The Little Monkey says the cutest things. But it’s my son that cracks me up:

I’m warning you, mommy. Don’t kiss me again. (my favorite)

I don’t want to eat lunch. It’s nasty.

Do you want a knuckle sandwich? (my bad)

[Spiderboy to Little Monkey] You’re too noisy. I’m going to have to eat you.

[Spiderboy to a sales clerk] Talk to the hand! (ooops, me again)