Who’s on First


Today was the deadline for filing our taxes and contributing to the AIG executive bonus fund. I hope everyone got their taxes done on time. Because it’s tax day, I thought I’ll share a recent phone call to the IRS.

Me: I got a letter stating I over paid my taxes.

IRS: Which form?

Me: 1120.

IRS: The name of your company and tax ID?

Me: Blah, blah, blah.

IRS: One moment please while I look up your record. [music] OK, according to our records, you had a tax balance of zero and you made a payment of $xxx,xxx,xxx.

Me: I did make a payment of $xxx,xxx,xxx, but that’s because I had a tax amount due of $xxx,xxx,xxx. It’s on line 34 of the form I completed.

IRS: Hmmm. For some reason, our computer show an amount due of zero for line 34. Let me check with someone. Please hold. [music again] OK, they made an error and entered zero due instead of $xxx,xxx,xxx. I will put a hold on your credit and send you a letter.

Me: OK. That’s it right? I don’t need to do anything else.

IRS: No. You need to send my letter to the IRS and explain the problem.

Me: I thought I am talking to the IRS.

IRS: You are, but you need to send the letter to a different department.

Me: So you’re going to send me a letter. Then I’m suppose to send the letter back to the IRS?

IRS: Correct.

Me: Who’s on first.

IRS: What?

Me: What’s on second. Who’s on first.

IRS: I don’t understand. You’re confusing me.

Me: Really? Now, you know how I feel.

I should have just kept the refund and bought a small island in the tropics. But I was afraid the IRS might audit and castrate me, and then banish me to a planet full of stinky diapers.


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