Resistance is Futile
Last Saturday, I met the unpopular girl at our Halloween party. From what I was able to observe, the unpopular girl wasn’t mean or shy. She wasn’t the life of the party, but she wasn’t sitting in the corner by herself either. The unpopular girl was just a little bit different from the other girls. For example, her classmates came dressed as witches and princesses. The unpopular girl came dressed as a girl taking a shower. Her costume consisted of a hula hoop with a curtain hanging from it. I thought her costume was funny, but she definitely stood out — especially when she started bumping into things with her hula hoop curtain costume.
The unpopular girl reminded me of a scene from Spanglish. In the movie, Adam Sandler drops off his daughter at an elite private school. While his daughter is walking away, Sandler notices that his daughter is different from the other girls. Later, Sandler asks his nanny (Paz Vega): If you had to choose between your daughter fitting in and being the same as everyone else, or being different and not fitting in, which would you choose?
Obviously, our kids are all different and they have their own unique personality. However, at some point during childhood, kids will feel the urge to be assimilated by the Borg collective. Resistance is futile. They’ll start talking the same, pretend to like movies that they don’t like, and go to football games even though they don’t care for the sport. Ideally, our kids could be as different as they want to be and still be part of the hive. But I don’t think it works that way.
So, which would you choose for your kids? Being the same as the other kids and fitting in? Or being different and not fitting in? Sorry, you can’t choose being different and fitting in. That’s against the law.
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LOL we *don’t* get to choose for our kids. Haven’t you figured out yet that they arrive pretty well pre-programmed? We’re just installing software updates as parents.
I have a few autistic-type computers at home that will never be Vista-compatible.
Can’t we hack the software?
Hello there … we moved cities and states in my last year of high school … not an easy ask for a 17 yr old short chubby chick .. So I did my final year at a completely new high school.
I fell in with the ‘misfits’ group - not the sport’os, not the clever kids, not the trendy kids, not the cool kids or the drug using kids …
but the bit arty, bit weird, bit left of centre kids. We were all different - we had the black kid (not many of them in suburban Bris Vegas in the early 80s), the divorced parents kid, the kid who only ate twisties, the kid who only had a vocab of 10 words, the girl who did the ‘boys subjects’, the kid who spoke German at home and then me who wore a different school uniform for the first term … but it was a great fit.
The point - even in being different you can fit somewhere - the beauty of ife’s great jigsaw puzzle I think (it’s the wine blogging - I am unemployed as of now). Hugs to you dad le
I was part of the geek group in high school. Lucky for me, there were a lot of geeks at our high school.
Also I forgot to mention in the above rave how glad I am that shower girl got to participate - ya to you for commen sense …
She was so excited when my daughter invited her. She couldn’t believe it. I don’t think she usually gets invited to parties.
My kids have never been the popular ones with lots of friends. They have a few good buds, and they are extremely happy. If they’re happy, then great. Life is wonderful.
As an adult, I have many people who claim to be my friend, but when push comes to shove, they usually aren’t there for me when I need them. You know what? I KNOW they aren’t true friends, and I’m closest to those few who share both laughter AND tears with me. I’ve modeled that for my kids, and they get it. They really do.
Good for you. I’m hoping my kids don’t act differently so they can be part of the popular group.
Oooo good question. I think as parents you want you kids to have it all…be the best, be original and a leader but in a comfortable and acceptable way. In short, not to have them struggle at all. That includes being left out, standing out or generally not fitting in. Yet, I’m sure every parent would also stand up and shout I’m proud my kid is strong enough to be themselves! I guess in short we want our kids to be accepted by the popular group but independent and confident enough to be guided by their own morals.
Tough question, tough crowd. I wonder if I was unpopular? LOL
Hugs,
Holly
I was popular in my group, but it really doesn’t matter now, does it? Things seem to work out by the time we grow up and start our own family.
I say being different and not fitting in. That was my case, but I didn’t care. I loved it. So I think it takes a strong minded child not to care what other people think (as much). I did care sometimes, but I refused to change. I did, at times, feel alienated, but even weird kids find other weird kids to hang out with. I feel like my crowd cared more about social issues and intellectualism than the popular kids seemed to. But I don’t really know! Instead of having sex, doing drugs, etc my friends and I were writing books. WRITING BOOKS (that sucked). We should have been having sex.
Anyway, in the long run- I don’t think it matters. A lot of my current friends are those popular girls that would have turned their noses up at me. I think as children get older..and older…and older still, they learn to celebrate differences.
I agree, it really doesn’t matter by the time we grow up. In the meantime, I hope my kids are strong and brave enough to be different.
Either one as long as they make the right choices. Just like they say “if everyone jumps off the cliff would you?” My answer is “No, but if very one doesn’t jump off and stays on the ground, would you?”
The question is not should you be different or the same, or should you fit in or not. The real question is are you going to do what is right at all costs?
That’s the hard part for kids (and some adults) — figuring out what is the right thing. We can guide them, but other kids have a big influence on them.
Whew. Great question.
I feel strongly that all kids, at some point, wish they fit in better. I think it’s a developmental stage. I would argue that these kids, the “outsiders” don’t really have a choice in the matter. They don’t know how to fit in, but would if they could!
A number of the posts above defend the “dare to be different” crowd, and as adults they can and should. It is hard to be different when the crowd wants something else. But to be really honest, I think all the members of the outgroup initially fail at becoming ingroup members because they lack the skills.
Let’s not forget what a brutal and disorienting experience the social world can be for children. Great story about the Halloween party. I hope it was your daughter that invited the “shower girl” along!
Good points. Too bad all kids can’t all fit in. It’s rough to be the awkward kid. Yes, my girl did eventually invite the shower girl.
I would choose my kid to be different and not fit in. I would then make sure he understands why he is different and that fitting in is not the best thing to do all the time if it entails you to change or pretend to be someone you are not.
I would choose for her to be herself and let the chips fall.
Being the mom of a 13 year old, him fitting in is on the top of his list.
I know it is extremely important for teens and tweens to fit in with their friends as far as looks and clothes and hairstyles. We teach him to make good choices on the character stuff and on our values. But when we send him off to school it’s with a prayer and a hope that he makes the right choices.
I have thought alot about this and I think the main question is….How do you define popular ?…fitting in,following the crowds, standing out, talking out, being nice, being rude the list goes on…
I always tell my kids…Be who you are,I dont care who you hang out with..(serious they could hang out with Jack the ripper) as long as at the end of the day they are a good person and they can look in the mirror and like what they see…
So far so good !
Read Danielle´s recent blog post..
I was thinking of fitting in with most kids at school vs being on your own or part of a small group.
Read Daddy Forever´s recent blog post..Kid Dies on Halloween
I want my kids to learn to be true to themselves, whether it makes them popular or not. I want them to have friends, but I wouldn’t want them to sell their souls to get them. I think it’s all part of growing up - figuring out how to be yourself and relate to others, too. Heh - I’m still growing up.
Read Leslie´s recent blog post..Pieces Of Flair Your House Can Wear