Compassion, Empathy, and the Unpopular Girl
Is compassion and empathy something kids develop on their own? Or do they need to be taught? I'm asking because the Little Princess seems to lack those traits. She invited almost all the girls in her class to our upcoming Halloween party. Almost meaning all the girls except for three (let's call them Sarah, Hilary, and Condoleezza). When I asked her why she wasn't inviting the three girls, I was expecting a good reason — something like: "Those three girls are political spawns of Satan and they like to sniff markers at school." Instead, the Little Princess simply said she didn't want the party to be too big. Right That would be like her saying she wants less candy for Halloween or fewer presents for Christmas.
I tried tricking the Little Princess by telling her a fib (my bad). I told her three people couldn't make it to the party so she can now invite Sarah, Hilary, and Condoleezza without worrying about the party getting too big. The Little Princess said she will invite Sarah and Hilary, but not Condoleezza. When my wife and I asked her why she's not inviting Condoleezza, the Little Princess wouldn't tell us ("because" isn't a valid reason, right?). My wife asked her how would she feel if she was the only person not invited to a party. The Little Princess said she would feel bad, but she still refused to invite Condoleezza.
My wife actually knows why the Little Princess doesn't want to invite Condoleezza — she's the unpopular girl. Last year, during a school field trip, my wife noticed all the girls wanted to hang around the Little Princess, but no one wanted to talk to Condoleezza. Everyone ignored Condoleezza and she stood by herself. My wife felt sorry for Condoleezza, so she made the Little Princess sit with the unpopular girl during lunch. The Little Princess was not happy about that and none of the other girls ate lunch with them.
Back to the party. My wife would like to force the Little Princess to invite all the girls to the party. I think the Little Princess should invite Condoleezza too, but I'm not sure we should force her to. So, what would you do? Let the Little Princess decide who to invite? Make her invite all the girls? Or torture her until she willing invites the unpopular girl? I vote for torture. One toy a day will mysteriously disappear.
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Awww… Poor Condoleeza. I guess I'd wonder WHY she's really unpopular. If she's destructive or maybe just shy? I guess my response would depend on that.
But yeah. It is a little hurtful to invite EVERY girl except Condolezza. Half the girls, maybe, but all of them? Ouch.
That's what I would like to know too and one of the reason why I don't want to force the Little Princess to invite Condoleezza. The last thing I want at the party is a bully.
Hard stuff! Never an easy issue. It is great that you are tackling this with LP. Some parents might not and actually still keep that schoolyard mentality well into adulthood.
Keep smilin!
Agree, it's not easy. I wonder if I can issue a gag order so the girls don't talk about the party at school. That would be terrible for C.
I would have set the guidelines from the beginning that the party should include all of the girls or no girls at all from her classroom, just those from other classes that are her friends. That's what I've done with my daughter in the past while she was young. My daughter has always been compassionate toward the "underdog" – she's the first one to stick up for someone who is being bullied on the playground.
You could try telling your daughter that there is no party unless she invites EVERYONE, but you have to be willing to stick with that decision then if she doesn't follow through. OR, your wife could go in and personally hand out invitations.
That's the thing, there are too many other people coming, so the Little Princess knows we won't really cancel the party.
Wow, that is a pickle. I think the reason she is unpopular is of utmost importance to making the right decision. Good luck.
BTW for my little princesses birhtday we ended up inviting all the girls, not all came but no one felt bad.
Hey, what about the boys?
Wow, that is a hard one. I think of she invites the girls from her class then all should be invited. They are too young not to brag about who was and who wasn't invited. This could be a good character building exercise for her. Now don't I sound all "office-y?"
Actually I had this problem in preschool. A mom invited all the boys except one. She mailed the invites and didn't send them through school. But the kids talked and the uninvited boy found out and told his mom. She pulled him out of preschool the next week. A little extreme (and she had a HUGE chip on her shoulder), but I still felt bad for that kid.
That is extreme. It's not like it's the school's fault.
I say, invite all the girls. It will be a good lesson for the little princess. Maybe you could find her a book that deals with this issue and discuss further how the unpopular girl might feel. I'm a teacher and this is so a teacher's answer!
Good idea. I'll see if I can find some books about that.
Anytime this situation comes up my wife always says "girls are different than boys". I always take the tough road and in this case would make my daughter invite Condoleezza. My wife might disagree but by inviting Condoleezza you could see first hand what makes her unpopular. Is she shy, is it her clothing, etc. Sometimes kids at such a young age need to understand what makes them unique is how different they are from one another. If your daughter were to invite Condoleezza she could take a stand with the others in her class and say no matter how different someone is they can still be part of the fun which in this case might go a long way to building a long lasting friendship. You never really know…
Boys and girls are different. Even though my son has a lot of friends in kindergarten, he didn't want to invite anyone. He made it easy on us.
Maybe look for opportunities to show her how important it is. Maybe something like sponsoring a child and get her to help put some money towards it. Have a little jar where she could help by putting in a little of her allowance every night at dinner.
Also maybe every dinner take a minute to talk about someone you helped during the day.
She might not see how much you value that and just needs some vary visible 'hints'. When she finally gets the point that it is important, she will at first do it to please you, then it will be come part of her nature.
Just a thought for an inexperienced dad.
The Little Princess does enjoy getting a gift for the giving tree around Christmas time, but I think she's too concern about what her friends will think when it comes to the unpopular girl. Why must someone be unpopular?
It's hard to say! I don't know what I'd do. I actually think our school has a rule – pass out invitation at school? give one to everyone.
Our school has the same rule. You can only pass out invites if they are for everyone. Otherwise, you have do it via mail, phone, etc. The Little Princess doesn't want to invite the boys either, so we won't be inviting the entire class (thank goodness).
Hard call..but as a general rule…I let the kids work it out…
I'm with letting the princess's pick who she wants…
xoxo
What if she invites the bone collector?
That is fine, but is that really teaching your child manners when it comes to a party and the feelings of others? Isn't exclusion a classic bully tactic?
Read the follow-up post:
http://daddyforever.com/2008/10/28/borg-kids/
I am going against the tide … I say no invite for any of the three girls that did not make the first cut.
For FB's bday I limit numbers to five … makes him understand what a 'friend' is. Makes it more managable for me and a nicer day as there is not so much kaos! chaos ???
You know what I mean …
FB has one girl in his class who is the bully and really it would not be right to have her there on his special day …
So what about boys …. no boys … at five years we were exculded from a friends party because she only wanted girls … so be it ! hugs le
That's my concern too about inviting everyone. The party will be too big and you could end up including a bully or some other bad kid.
Well there's a point…maybe the kids are smarter then we think…LOL..
Are you heathens? JUST KIDDING. I would ask her what the right/moral thing to do would be. That said, if this girl is awful (mean), it might be a good, natural consequence for her to not be invited; she'd see the error of her ways. However, mean girls are usually popular, so that's probably not the reason she has no friends. I have always limited my daughter to the number of friends that equals her age. So, 8th birthday had 8 friends. Good luck!
Oye hate this stuff. :P I look forward to hearing what you ended up doing and how it goes.
Hugs,
Holly
Ugh. This is tough. My gut tells me to invite Condoleezza.
so what did happen …. do tell we are alllll waiting for the follow up to this parenting dilemma – le
I will have to change my name back soon to just le …