The Origin of the Butthead
It all started a long, long time ago in the kingdom of Far Far Away. Ooops, wrong story. I wish I could tell you the real story behind the origin of the Butthead. But I can’t. The truth of the matter is, I don’t know how the Butthead became the Butthead. As far as I know, her parents didn’t know which end was up and put the diaper on the wrong end. Even though I don’t know how the Butthead became the Butthead, I can tell you why I call her the Butthead. The Butthead isn’t evil and I don’t hate her. Really, I don’t. But there is something wrong with her and the way she acts. Below are some examples of why I call this woman the Butthead:
The Butthead’s Son is in Charge
One time at the park, the Butthead’s son ran off with the Mormon kid and left his ball next to my son. Spiderboy saw it and asked if he could play with it. First, I would like to point out that my son asked to play with something that was not his. A lot of kids would start playing with the ball without bothering to ask. His reward for asking — no ball to play with. Instead of saying yes like a normal parent, the Butthead told my son she has to check with her son first. If she didn’t check first, her son, who is obviously in charge, would have given her a timeout. Her son wasn’t around. So the Butthead picked up the ball and went to look for her son. The Butthead didn’t even trust my son enough to leave the ball behind. Ten to fifteen minutes later, the Butthead returned without the ball. She told Spiderboy her son would like to give the ball to him personally. But her son didn’t return until my wife was ready to go home. What a butthead.
Leftovers for my Kids
Sometimes during the school year, my wife likes to walk half a mile to pickup the princess at school. One time, the Butthead tagged along. While walking to the school, the little monkey and Spiderboy noticed the Butthead was carrying a container of gold fish crackers and wanted some. My wife asked the Butthead if the kids could have a little bit of the crackers. A human being would have said yes, but not the Butthead. She told my wife she has to check with her son first. Apparently, her son was still in charge. When school was finally out, the Butthead gave the crackers to her son and didn’t even bother to ask him if our kids could have some. Then when he was done with the crackers, the Butthead offered her son’s leftovers to our kids. LEFTOVERS! I don’t know why the Butthead treated our kids like that. When her son is over at our house, my wife treats him like one of our kids. When our kids have snacks, he has snacks. Mommy Forever doesn’t make him wait for our kids to finish eating first and then offer him the leftovers.
Kick Your Enemies and Kick Your Friends Even Harder
Spiderboy, the Mormon kid, and the Butthead’s son were playing in the backyard one day. Then they came inside and they were all quiet. They are never quiet together. Something bad must have happened for all of them to stop playing. My wife asked the boys what was wrong. The kids looked at each other and then the Mormon kid said the Butthead’s son kicked Spiderboy. He’s seven, my son is four. My wife asked why and the Butthead’s son said he kicked Spiderboy to show him he’s a friend. My wife told the Butthead’s son that doesn’t make any sense and asked him if it was OK for someone to punch him in the face to show him he’s a friend. The Butthead’s son said no and then ran off to his mother. A non-butthead would apologize or make their kid apologize. But not the Butthead. She did nothing and didn’t tell him it was wrong to kick someone.
He Punched a Hole in my Daughter’s Chest
When the kids wait for the school bus, they form a line. One day, the Butthead’s son was in front of our little princess. Then for no reason at all, the Butthead’s son turned around and punched a hole in the little princess’ chest. OK, he didn’t punch a hole through her chest, but the punch was hard and loud enough for everyone to hear. The little princess almost cried and I’m quite amazed she didn’t. I was about to yank off the boy’s head when his grandfather yelled at him for punching the little princess. I’m glad the grandfather was there that day because I’m sure the Butthead wouldn’t have done a thing and her son would now be walking around headless.
A Sprinkler in our Living Room
My cousin’s family gave our kids a neat waterball for their birthday. It’s essentially a giant beachball that connects to a water hose. When you turn on the water, the ball squirts out water in all directions. Just perfect for a hot summer day (especially since we don’t have a pool). Anyhow, the Butthead’s son some how managed to kick the ball (while connected to a garden hose) into the thorny rose bushes (more than ten feet away), which puncture the ball in multiple spots. No more water ball. I wasn’t really upset about that because boys will be boys. But then the words that came out of the Butthead’s mouth. She told my wife that she wouldn’t have even brought the water ball outside. The Butthead was essentially blaming my wife for the punctured ball. Can you believe that, the Butthead’s son ruins the water ball and it’s my wife’s fault? And why would we keep a giant water toy in the house? I did mention it connects to a garden hose, right?
The Butthead has Smelly Feet
We don’t wear shoes in our house and when guests come over, they take off their shoes too. We don’t ask them to, they just do. It’s just common courtesy. Everyone takes off their shoes at our house so we can all enjoy each other’s smelly socks. Everyone except the Butthead. We have three young kids, so our carpet isn’t exactly clean. I don’t really care if people don’t take off their shoes (unless they are muddy or something). But when there’s a bunch of people and everyone except the Butthead takes off their shoes, that seems strange to me. It’s not like she’s never been to our house before and have never noticed that everyone takes off their shoes.
Save Yourself Mr. Butthead
The Muslim mom is working on her college degree part-time. One of her school assignment involved interviewing a mom. My wife and the Mormon mom were busy so the Muslim mom interviewed the Butthead. During the interview, the Butthead told the Muslim mom she was hiding money from her husband. The Butthead was afraid her husband might run out on her (Mr. Butthead, save yourself and run as fast as you can. On second thought, take your wife and son with you.). I suppose this is something a lot of people fear, but not to the point where people start hiding money from their “loved” one. As some of you know, my wife tried to leave me twice. The first time she took the wrong bus and I had to go get her. The second time she came back because she got scared running away in the dark. After two failed attempts, my fear is that my wife will never leave me. Mwahahahaha!!!! I know, that joke is going to cost me. Seriously, I don’t think my wife will ever leave me. But she might change the locks on me. Anyhow, if a person is that scared about being abandoned, I think they need to work on their marriage and start talking with each other instead of keeping secrets or hiding money from each other. It also wouldn’t hurt to empower yourself with some useful skills for the work place. No one wants to hire a Butthead without any skills.
The Butthead has Servants
The last time my wife hosted the monthly lunch with the Muslim, Mormon, and Butthead, I came down for a late lunch. When I was in the kitchen, I noticed all the mothers, except the Butthead, were helping clean up. The Butthead was just standing there watching everyone work. Who made her the supervisor? When people come over to our house, we don’t expect them to help out. They’re guests and we want them to just relax. But I think you have to be a real Butthead to just stand there while everyone else is cleaning up. Maybe next time, she can clean the Diaper Genie.
Pregnant Women Don’t Need to Rest
Earlier in the month, my wife was taking care of the Mormon kids so the Mormon mommy could take a nap (she’s pregnant with her fourth kid). The Butthead saw the Mormon kids in our yard and came over to tell my wife that the Mormon boy was suppose to be playing with her son at her house. My wife said she didn’t know anything about that. She explained to the Butthead that the Mormon mommy was taking a nap. My wife told the Butthead that she and her son are welcome to stay and play with the Mormon kid at our house. But the Butthead wasn’t happy with that idea. The Mormon boy had to be at the Butthead’s house. Otherwise, the universe would collapse on itself and life as we know it would end. Guess what the Butthead did? She went over to the Mormon house and woke up the Mormon mommy. What a Butthead, but at least she saved the universe.
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Oh my gosh!
She sounds like a stuck up little monster. Is her kid bad or is it just her?
When we got our new off white carpet (I constantly smack myself in the forehead for that one)a few years ago we had the no shoes in the house rule. We have some friends who refused to take off their shoes. The kids would come in and try to remind the parents to take off their shoes, but they would say no. It drove me crazy.
The boy is just a kid. He’s an only child so his parents probably let him get away with too much. Plus the Butthead doesn’t seem to have any parenting skills.
We use to have an off-white carpet too. Not it’s kinda of grayish.
Wow, what a butthead! Geez. She certainly had earned the nickname.
She’s earned the name several times over.
You’re a better man than me, I would have reserved some other words for her, and I would never have been able to control myself, especially if she insulted my family like that.
Crazy.
I wasn’t actually when most of these things happened. My wife told me about most of them.
Never a dull moment by the sounds of it! LOL You are a great story teller.
Keep smilin!
Thanks. I don’t think anyone’s told me I’m a great story teller before. My novel should be coming out soon.
Sounds like the title is well earned. Too bad there has to be one in every batch eh? I like that you pointed out how your kids ask for things…I love that and I’m so pround when my kids do it too. That and closing the door behind them…why is that so difficult for so many of their friends?
Hugs,
Holly
Too bad my kids are not as polite when they play with each other.
Sheesh, whatta butthead. Did she have to wake up the pregnant Mormon mommy? Oh the things buttheads are capable of…
My wife just told me the Butthead use to be a professor. So she’s not dumb. She just does stupid things.
How sad that she feels that bad about herself! I used to not stand up to people like her but since my kids are a little older and I’m trying to teach them what’s right, I say something to the parent and it actually makes me feel a little better. And you know, if they get offended then fine. That’s one less snotty person in my life that I have to babysit!
What I don’t get is why the mother group invites the Butthead over for lunch when all of them can’t stand her.
Ditto. That makes no sense. Me? I would have no qualms about excluding her from the lunch circle.
I’m not sure I would be as patient or kind as you and your wife appear to be with Butthead. She truly is deserving of her title. I hope Mr. Butthead runs far, far away from her.
It’s really my wife. Luckily for me, I’m not one of the moms so I don’t see her often.
Yeah, she’s more than a butthead alright!! We have a woman here who NEVER watches her 2.5 year old. Her kid is always running into peoples yards, going in their back yards, and today…. taking a stroller from our garage when I told her she couldn’t. and no one did anything about it…..i had to go to her house to get it back! she even runs and crosses the street by herself! I don’t even have a choice in it though.. i didn’t pick her as my neighbor. However.. I don’t think I want to trade with you. ;o)
Someone should call child services before something bad happens to that girl.
The Butthead is evil. I would have no contact with her. Ever.
Sheesh, I can see why you call her that! What a not nice person, but unfortunately she sounds like she has a screw loose and can’t help herself.
oh my… at least you chose a nice word for her…
and poor kid… I mean, with butthead for a mom, what are the chances of not growing into one?
I’m always reading blogs and never comment–except for this one. I am in tears–you are so funny and GOD I wish you were my neighbor. We would have a blast. I’ve got two boys (ages 8 and 5) and a little princess who’s going to be 3 in a couple of weeks!! We have somewhat of a similar situation with a neighbor who doesn’t parent–basically answers to her 5 year old–it makes me sick. I don’t understand parents who are like that.