May I Rest in Peace
When my wife opened her Christmas present from me, the following words rang out, “Is that all?” However, these words were not uttered by Mommy Forever, but by Princess M. I felt the exact same way, but for a completely different reason. The little princess only saw three small items. I saw the same three items, but I also saw the price tag. You see, the La Mer lotion and creme I gave to my wife cost more than everyone’s gifts combined.
For what La Mer charged for their products, I expected a beefcake to personally deliver the gift to Mommy Forever. Then said beefcake would whisk my wife off to the mall for an all-expense paid shopping spree. Naturally, since I don’t want to lose my wife to said beefcake, I would want to select the beefcake myself. Someone with a really big potbelly, no hair, no front teeth, three eyes, and no personality.
I don’t get it. Why are beauty products so expensive? Personally, I don’t think my wife needs fancy creme and lotion. She’s already pretty (and it’s not because of the fancy creme and lotion). And even if Mommy Forever isn’t pretty, so what? Inner beauty is more important, right? So, why would I give my wife fancy creme and lotion? Because that’s what she wanted. I know this because Mommy Forever wrote it on a piece of paper. She wasn’t leaving anything to chance.
Now, more importantly, why am I blogging about this? The answer is simple; I’m going to be in big trouble when Mommy Forever finds out that my last post was mentioned in Blogging Baby. You know, the one where I mentioned my wife had a sex change operation when she didn’t actually have one.
This is the type of humor that drives my wife crazy. I’ll say things and people have no idea I’m just kidding. For instance, when we were dating, the future Mommy Forever asked me how did I get so smart (I fooled her with my engineering books in my bookcase). I told her I had 200 brains. She looked at me to see if I was kidding. I maintained my serious Mr. Spock face. Then the future Mommy Forever studied my head and asked, “How do they all fit in there?” “They’re really small.” “Oh.” Sometimes, my wife even tells other people things I have said (like my 200 brains), only to discover that I was pulling her leg. That’s the evil brand of humor I was talking about in my last post…it gets me in trouble a lot.
Note to my wife: I’m sorry there’s a bunch of people who think you had a sex change operation. And I’m sorry you rank fourth for “sex change operation before Christmas” in Google. Just remember, you got a really nice Christmas present. If you let me live, there’s more where that came from.
Note to my regular readers: If you don’t hear from me for a week, you should call the police. Tell them to search the backyard and crawlspace. It was nice knowing you. Goodbye.
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You are a wicked, wicked man who thinks buying expenses gifts will redeem himself in the eyes of a woman. Shame on you!
(p.s., It would work with me - ha!)
I am dying over here. That is hilarious! You’re going to be an overnight internet sensation for your post about your alternative lifestyle with your “man” wife!
There isn’t enough La Mer in the world to set this one right… ;)
OMG, I’m dying laughing! Mommy Forever, please don’t kill Daddy Forever, he makes me laugh!
Worry not. You will survive. Mommy Forever will make sure you do so that she can get more La Mer products from you. Those small bottles don’t last very long. Valentines Day is coming, then her birthday… You will survive.
If Mommy Forever is anything like me, you wouldn’t be lucky enough to get the pain from this over with in one fell swoop. It would be slow torture spread out over the rest of your life. If she plays it right, this could be her ace in the hole for years to come. She blew the budget on the shopping spree? Well, you said she had a sex change operation. She’s watching a chick flick on television and your favorite show is on? Too bad. You said she had a sex change operation. This could actually work in her favor.
Hilarious! I hope you live (C’mon Mommy forever…this is perfect fodder to hold over someone for a while!)
Keep smilin!
Wow, how did I miss the sex change post? And it even made it to Blogging Baby - very impressive!
I am laughing so hard here. Mommy Forever IS pretty, but a girl can’t have too many creams and lotions in little bottles. You are going to owe her big for years to come about that sex change joke.
Your joke about having 200 brains made me think of a story my mom told about my dad when they were dating. He told her the little round chicken pox scar in the middle of his forehead was where he had been shot with a BB gun when he was little. She believed him for so long. You mem are so evil.
I don’t know what’s going to be worse for you…being dead or being cut off from “the goods” from your wife for, hmmm, I dunno…FOREVER! I swear, my Bobby is used to my sweet, demure, perfect Asian wife side (my mom is Korean) but when he puts me over the edge, “Tha Sista” comes out (my dad is black). I know what I’d say, “Sex change?! How’s about this? How about NO sex for a CHANGE! You like that? I hope you do. You did it. Don’t make me come over there and slap you! Now, where’s your wallet? I’m going to the mall!” You know that your wife has every reason to kill you right? Well, this is what “Tha Sista” would say to her: “Slap him. Slap him hard. Knock those 200 brains out, take his credit card, and hit the mall-HARD. Just tell him that since he decided to relay to the world that you got a sex change that you have to buy a whole new wardrobe/makeup/shoes to fit onto your new WOMAN’S body. Ummm hmmm, honey.” Mommy Forever is beautiful, but if you wanna keep her beautiful, you gotta buy the cremes. I’m twenty and I know the ill effects of sun damage, so I moisturize like the dickens so I can pretend like I’m 20 when I’m in my thirties. Merry Christmas to your wife. I’m jealous of the Creme de La Mer. But I’m not jealous of the sex change joke. Oh gosh, I’ll pay my respects at your funeral.
Whoa! You are just getting away with death?
You are soooo lucky.
[The remainder of this comment was removed for the physical well being of the commenter.]
Ha ha ha ha!! Oh my, don’t kill him yet, he’s too funny!! I always laugh at the odd search results too, and that’s exactly what came to my mind when reading your last post, those Google results that would be inevitable ;).
Have to say, MommyForever has a point…
As for the price of cosmetics — yup, men will never understand it. We don’t either, but we kid ourselves that the more we pay, the better we’ll look. It’s all a game. You’re supposed to pretend that you get it. And keep buying it for us…
[...] » May I Rest in Peace [...]
oh my gosh. your sense of humor is unbelievable! i’m still LOLing here. esp. the Google results. i feel for your wife, and i’m not sure La Mer is enough to cover this.
[...] » May I Rest in Peace [...]