Dear Satan Claus,
That’s right, I’m writing to you this year. Writing to Santa is a waste of time because I have not been nice. Just last week I ate part of my wife’s candy bar. She came back into the room, looked at the candy bar, and asked me, “Did you eat some of my candy?” I gave her one of those have you been sniffing the Diaper Genie again? look and said, “No.” That’s right, I lied. Then I made her feel guilty by saying, “Even if I did, does it really matter? I bought you three candy bars.” See, I have not been nice.
As for being naughty, take a look at the card I gave my wife:
Naturally, since I am very naughty, all the coupons looked like this:
Now that I have established that I have not been nice and have been very naughty, here is what I want for Christmas: I would like my son to return from the Dark Side. Unlike me, I can still sense some good in him. I know you don’t normally do good things, but since I have not been nice and have been very naughty this year, I thought you might make an exception. These are some of the things I would like changed:
1) My son is not allowed to call mommy, “Dickhead.” I know he doesn’t know what he is saying…just repeating what Kitty called Juggernaut in X-Men 3. And to be honest, Juggernaut does look like one with his helmet on, but enough is enough. My son is no longer allowed to watch X-Men 3 and the rest is up to you.
My wifeWe don’t find this the least bit funny.
2) Telling mommy she has a big butt also has to stop. I know, to a little kid, all adults have a big butt. But for some reason, my wife just doesn’t like anyone referring to her butt as big.
3) No more locking mommy out. Whenever my wife steps out to check the mail, Spiderboy locks the door on her. Now that it’s winter and he’s also locking me out, this has to stop.
4) When things don’t go my son’s way, he likes to tell mommy she is bad and tells her to get out of the house. This has to stop. I can’t afford to hire a baby sitter or housekeeper if my son kicks my wife out.
5) About the waking up at 5am thing. That’s no good. A lot of nights, I
goof offwork until 1am or later. Waking up at 5am just doesn’t work for me. I need my beauty sleep…and you know I need it. Please make my son sleep until 7am noon5pm.
This list goes on and on. You know what I want changed. If you don’t do these things, I will have no choice but to be nice next year and take my business to Santa Claus.