I Must Die
I got a letter from my insurance company today. For a limited time, they are offering me accidental death insurance. And if I act now, I get a free coffin lid. Thank you so much for reminding me I’m going to die some day. Now I’m going to go to bed, wondering if I will wake up in the morning. Next time, Mr. Insurance Company, just send me a Christmas card like everyone else.
The policy is only $8 a month and the benefit is $100,000…but I have to die in an accident first. It’s really a lose-lose-lose situation. If I live for an eternity, I lose a bunch of money (What’s $8 X eternity? Is it infinity?). If I die in an accident, my family gets $100,000 but they lose me. There’s also the possibility of dying from cancer or by a serial killer. Then I lose a bunch of money and I will also be dead. See, lose-lose-lose.
I actually already have two life insurance policies. One is term life, which I purchased long ago. The second one I purchased last year and is good for twenty years. I need the second policy because I figure the first one won’t be enough if I die in the very near future. I know money can’t replace a father, but at least the kids will have a roof over their heads and food on the table.
I was actually lucky enough to quality for the best rate. I assume that means I’m in good health, right? I don’t really know because I have not had a physical since 1991. I know, shame on me but I hate physicals. The last time I had a physical, I blacked out when they were draining all of the blood out of my body. I was just sitting there with my arm strapped to the vampire machine and before I could figure out what was going on, there was a bunch of nurses asking me if I was alright. It wasn’t much better last year when the life insurance company sent a nurse to my house to stab me with a very sharp object. The nurse claimed she missed my vein because I flinched. Hello, I flinched because she missed and it was EXTREMELY PAINFUL. Then she stabbed me again and I almost blacked out again. I’m such a baby when it comes to needles.
Well, I’m going to sleep now and hopefully you will hear from me again soon.
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Oo, I hear you on the needles. I have a medical condition that requires me to get blood tests every two weeks (it used to be weekly!), and I have my regular phlebotomists, the ones who know how to stick me with minimal pain. I NEVER watch them doing it. I got out of my way to go to the same lab every time so that my regular phlebotomists can do the draws.
Yesterday I was supposed to have a medical procedure done that didn’t really scare me. What freaked me out was that I needed to give myself injections twice daily to prepare for the test, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had to reschedule the procedure for the 30th. I hope I work up the courage to do what I have to do before then!
Oh man, I so hate needles too. They can NEVER find my vein the first time. EVER. It’s so frustrating.
Great post!
The last time I had my blood drawn (also many years ago; oops…), the nurses told me that the segment of the population that faints most often is males under 35! I got such a kick out of that.
Desert Songbird, I could never stick a needle in myself. I hope you find the courage to do it. I can’t even stand to see nurses stick needles in my kids.
1girl2boys, my wife has that problem. It took 3 people to find a vein when my wife was ready to give birth to our youngest child.
Kelley, I did not faint. The nurses claimed I “blacked out” but to me, it was more like taking a little nap. I’m not sure why the HMO took so much blood. Maybe one of the nurses was selling my blood on the side…or mabye she was a real vampire. Anyhow, just want to be clear that I did not faint. Men don’t faint. We’re men.
Don’t you just hate insurance companies? And what about all those funeral homes? I recently got a letter from a new funeral home, telling me that now is the best time to start planning my “ultimate resting peace” by investing in these grand coffins and a patch with a view. What do I care about the view when I’m dead? Or the coffin upholstery?
PS: you lucky you’re not a pregnant woman. These doctors love to suck the blood out of us. Almost every appointment I get sent to the lab for “a few tests” that usually results in up to 7 tubes of blood. I think I’m sustaining some kind of secret vampire population.
Vasilisa, if I was a woman, I would adopt.
How generous that they throw in the coffin lid with the purchase- will they throw in a bottom, too? The left side panel? Nails?
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