The Art of Farting
Blame Your Kid
I normally hate taking my kids to restaurants, but when you have to let out a stinky one, there’s nothing better than having a kid close by to blame. This technique works best with young kids – the younger the better. Warning: do NOT attempt this with teenagers. They may act stupid, but they are not stupid. As far as they are concern, it’s payback time for all those times you embarrassed them.
Spread the Fart Love
If kids are not an option, then walk around to spread your fart around. It’s best if you keep moving so people can’t trace it to you.
Fart Buddy
Another technique is to use a fart buddy. Arrange a special code word with your buddy. When you need to fart, utter the code word to your fart buddy. The code word is his cue to divert attention from you so you can fart and run.
Fartmail
If you are at a restaurant and you fart bombed the waitress, quickly utter these two words, “big tip.” This is also known as fartmail. Failure to offer fartmail will result in your food being fart bombed in the kitchen. It won’t kill you, but do you really want to eat something that was just farted on?
Blame the Annoying Guy
There’s always an annoying guy around. He could be your boss or one of your in-laws. Sometimes when I need to fart, I sneak up behind the annoying guy and let out a really stinky one. Then I make a stinky face to the people around me and point at the annoying guy.
Audible
A whoopee cushion can come in handy if your silencer isn’t working and your body emits an audible. When that happens, just pull out a small whoopee cushion from your pocket and pretend you were just goofing around.
That wraps up the fart guide. Good luck and may you fart in peace.
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My wife bought me a book last Christmas called “Walter the Farting Dog”.
I told her, “Just because I do it doesn’t mean I want to read about it!”.
It’s a funny book, by the way.
Oh, and I wanted to invite you to a blog called “DadBloggers” (http://www.dadbloggers.com). It’s a collaborative blog by Dads giving the male perspective on parenting. Take a look and let me know if you would be interested in becoming a contributor.
Doug, I’ll check out your book next time I’m at the bookstore and I’ll take a look at DadBloggers this week.
The “Gas we Pass” is a good one, but have you read “Everyone Poops” by Taro Gomi? I think it is done by the same publishing house that brings Japanese classics to the American publishing market. It gives a great explanation to the question “Who poops and why?” and the answer would be: “Everyone eats so…EVERYONE POOPS!” Surprisingly, I found it at my local Goodwill BRAND SPANKING NEW (someone must have found it offensive) for a quarter of a dollar. Buy the book. It make you laugh at funny illustration ha ha.
Latia, thanks for the suggestion. I’ll check it out the next I’m at the bookstore. Thanks for reminding me about Goodwill. Sometimes you can find some neat things there.
Sorry for the tardiness in commenting — I’m just catching up on some of your past posts.
We own the above-referenced book, and, naturally, my 7-year-old son loves it. As for the excuses, I’m sure my husband will appreciate the new ones you’ve offered. He’s always blamed the dog, but now that she’s been in that great kennel in the sky for almost a year, he needs a new scapegoat.
His favorite line, btw, when he’s been busted or when it’s obvious that he’s the culprit: “You should leave this aisle now.”
I fart a lot in the bath room and in the kitchen and in my uncle face!!!! im a fart man!!!!!!!!!