If you have ever read the book, The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts, then you know farting is a fact of life. It’s something that our bodies has to do. We shouldn’t be embarrassed by it, but we do get embarrassed — especially if people are nearby. But you don’t need to be embarrassed anymore. The following is a guide on how to fart in public.
Blame Your Kid
I normally hate taking my kids to restaurants, but when you have to let out a stinky one, there’s nothing better than having a kid close by to blame. This technique works best with young kids – the younger the better. Warning: do NOT attempt this with teenagers. They may act stupid, but they are not stupid. As far as they are concern, it’s payback time for all those times you embarrassed them.
Spread the Fart Love
If kids are not an option, then walk around to spread your fart around. It’s best if you keep moving so people can’t trace it to you.
Another technique is to use a fart buddy. Arrange a special code word with your buddy. When you need to fart, utter the code word to your fart buddy. The code word is his cue to divert attention from you so you can fart and run.
If you are at a restaurant and you fart bombed the waitress, quickly utter these two words, “big tip.” This is also known as fartmail. Failure to offer fartmail will result in your food being fart bombed in the kitchen. It won’t kill you, but do you really want to eat something that was just farted on?
Blame the Annoying Guy
There’s always an annoying guy around. He could be your boss or one of your in-laws. Sometimes when I need to fart, I sneak up behind the annoying guy and let out a really stinky one. Then I make a stinky face to the people around me and point at the annoying guy.
A whoopee cushion can come in handy if your silencer isn’t working and your body emits an audible. When that happens, just pull out a small whoopee cushion from your pocket and pretend you were just goofing around.
That wraps up the fart guide. Good luck and may you fart in peace.