Remote Control for Kids

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Adam’s Sandler’s new movie, Click, comes out today. I have not seen the movie yet, but the trailers are funny. For those of you who don’t know, Click is a movie about a man who has a special remote control that works on people. Years before I saw the trailer, when I was taking care of Princess M full-time, I wished I had a remote control for her.

Princess M is my first kid. I liked spending time with her, but I also wanted to live my other life too. You know what I mean, the life you had before you had kids — when it was sunny everyday, you had a zillion dollars, and your spouse tended to your every need. Now, everyone tends to the needs of the kids. Damn kids. Why can’t they change, feed, and take care of themselves?

With a remote control, I could have paused my daughter. Then I could live my other life and still not miss a second of Princess M’s life. I know, very selfish of me. But that’s me, selfish.

Now that I have three kids, I want the remote control even more than before. While I’m working upstairs, I can hear their little voices downstairs. Every time I hear them laugh, I want to run downstairs so badly to see them — to see what I was missing. But I can’t, I have to work for several more centuries to support the kids. It would be great if I could pause them when I’m working. That would work for me and its not like my kids would know they have been paused. I won’t tell, will you?

I wouldn’t mind using some of the other remote control features too. Hey, if I had a remote for my kids, why not take advantage of it? Oh look, the kids are crying. OK, fast forward it. The kids are fighting again. Fast forward. The kids are teenagers. Fast rewind! Hey, the kids are hugging me. Repeat, slow, or pause. That’s the image I want in my head when its time for me to leave this world. My kids hugging me. Alright, my kids and my wife hugging me. Together, forever…and paused.

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